Clarity.

In the presence of clarity I sat.

We’re always asked by people what we want to be when we grow up.

They’re always looking for something tangible

Like a lawyer

Or a teacher

Or a psychologist

We spend years of our youth searching, setting goals, seeking to find the clarity and guidance for our life’s purpose. For that tangible sense of identity.

I’ve spent most of my life being here for others. Pleasing others dreams they had for me and pleasing others on their own journey. That was the biggest life sucker. I was trying to live up to the success society was putting up for us.

Until I sat and felt the peace, joy, hurt, love, and gratefulness in my heart. Only then did I find myself accompanied by clarity.

Followed by a sudden realization that my path and life ambitions weren’t mine. They were everyone else’s. I wasn’t doing anything for myself. Imagine doing SO MUCH for it to not add up to anything in the end. What I thought was me running away for years was my heavenly guidance to finally learn what it meant to love myself, to listen to my thoughts, my hearts desires, to listen to my body and the energy around me. Sometimes the first few times we don’t see or understand it though.

I continued to pursue being recognized. AND I did it all. Travel, friendships, lived alone, the digital presence, hosted parties, graduated college, made great career achievements. I was chasing success which we’re taught is the end game. My life had suctioned me into everyone else’s but my own. I found myself wanting more and striving for the next big thing constantly.

Thankfully I learned at a good age that success isn’t what society makes it, the chase never ends. I wanted no person’s life whom I've surrounded myself with - I wanted to make my own. I no longer needed to be seen as the girl who could do it all. I found my success.

Freedom.

I no longer need to chase it. It’s mine. No longer fearful that I could lose it.

The real me no longer needed the publications for success, to always be brave, or bend over backwards for others. The real me no longer needed the nice things to give me a sense of identity in the world.

As I grow up I want to be kind. To live in the moment. To stand in the dewy grass at dawn. To sit in silence and write. To recognize I’m living in the good ole days every day. To savor every piece of this journey. To surround myself with the humans that make my heart happy. 

It’s making it out alive with a grateful soul when the waters get rough, when life becomes a nightmare, it’s having the courage to keep dreaming amidst the chaos and chasing that feeling deep within us that says, this is for you. 

Lean into your hearts wisdom you will continually find yourself with faith and trust. If you don’t understand what your soul truly craves - you have a long road ahead. Perhaps start there. You’re going to see it. Something more beautiful than you’ve ever imagined. Where the universe has been guiding you.

The point is, NOTHING IS MUNDANE. It’s all the little things that make us, that make everything around us. So stop seeking the next big thing. It’s finding real connections. It’s time with family. It’s moving your body. The book. The blanket. Eating the cookies. Sitting outside when everyone’s inside. Being in nature. Doing nothing.

And the bad days will come, like they always do. Cold, callous, remorseful places. But that’s part of it all. With time we’ll learn not to fret when those moments arrive like we use to. The secret is to simply allow both, both glorious and awful. The terrible thoughts come with magical moments - that’s where wisdom is found. I hope we learn to nurture them all, the good the bad, the big the small.

For me, my happy ending is continuing to be soft and loving. It’s becoming gentle through all the violence. I want my days to be full and affectionate. I want to be the person others know it’s safe to turn to. It’s having a calm and peaceful essence that cannot be threatened. It’s giving myself the love I’ve always wanted and sharing my love. I want to be the person I always needed. It’s going in the direction of the things that grow me and move me and magnify me.

What is for you arrives with clarity and no confusion. A decision, A conversation, A chance encounter. 

Trust that you cannot lose what is meant for you. BUT you do get to be the hands that mold how you feel about it all. You’re worthy of it - the good things. The loving things.